Acknowledging Others
Small groups engage in two different types of communication:
Conversations focused on relationship management include making sure that: people are ok with the team’s plans, everyone get to have their say, no one is slighted, people feel valued, people who are not performing are engaged in conversations about that, and any number of other topics related to how we feel about team circumstances.
Surprisingly, one of the things we often forget to do is to tell the people around us how much we value them. When was the last time you acknowledged one of your parents for something they did – or simply who they are? Or a sibling, or a close friend? Or your significant other? Or even a stranger who waits on you in a store?
Acknowledgment is personal. I don’t simply mean saying "thanks" during an exchange (although a heartfelt thanks is a wonderful thing). I mean connecting with someone in a conversation in a way that they clearly understand that you are acknowledging them.
Acknowledgment is powerful. It forges an immediate connection. It does not have to be about thanks or appreciation for something done for you – you can acknowledge a stranger for any number of things. I was once in the grocery store and saw a woman who was parenting her fussy daughter in what struck me as an adult way - she didn't order the girl, but had a conversation with her. I wheeled my cart passed her, then thought about it and went back to her. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Excuse me, I just want to say I really admire
the way you’re handling this situation with your daughter. You’re a great mother.
Mother: Thank you.
Me (to the little girl): Do you know
you’ve got a great mom?
Mother: I don’t think she thinks so
right now.
Me (to the little girl): Well you
do. You’ve got a great mom.
The little girl looked puzzled and I moved on. A couple aisles over I passed them again, and the mother stopped me and thanked me for making her day.
My action was simple and the whole interaction only took 30 seconds. I could have had a good day without ever communicating with that stranger in the store. But it was obvious to me that I made a difference in her life that day. And from that moment on I didn’t just have a good day – I had a great day!
One more example: I was visiting friends in Seattle and we went to see a Mariners game. Outside the stadium the peanuts and other things were relatively cheap and so dozens of people were jockeying to buy things in a hurry. The vendor was no doubt making decent money, and some people were gripping in the crowd about the prices. After I made my purchase I said something like: "Thanks for being out here for us – you provide a great service." While waiting on his next customer he turned to me and said "Thanks for saying that – I mostly get complaints out here." So I left, knowing that my brief interaction made a difference to him. It was a simple gesture, it wasn't necessary, but it made a difference.
Acknowledge is simple. The point of these examples is that if it’s relatively easy to acknowledge strangers, think of how easy it is to acknowledge the people we know. You may only have known your teammates for a few weeks, but there are any number of things for which you can acknowledge them.
My request to you is that you practice acknowledging people and observe the difference it makes in your life. For my students in a teams course, I want you to start with your teammates. But as with most of the things you will learn about teams, what works in team relationships works in the rest of life.
We can acknowledge people:
Acknowledging others is one side of the coin. Accepting acknowledgment gracefully is the other. How do you listen to acknowledgement from others? Acknowledgment seems to make many of us nervous. So we often deflect the acknowledgment of others. For example, women can often relate to this example: a woman gets "all dolled up" (as my mother was fond of saying), before a party, wearing one of her favorite outfits and wanting to look her best. At the party someone notices she made an effort to look nice, and they compliment her on her new dress. What does she say? Often, something like: "Oh, I’ve had this thing for a year." There’s nothing wrong with her answer – and it may be literally true. But the person who complimented her was making a contribution to her life – and she rebuffed it. A simply "thank you" is always a great way to accept acknowledgment.
Men can often relate to this example: a man goes out of his way to do a favor for someone - sometimes a big favor, like helping someone move. When they finish, and the friend thanks the man, he says "no problem." Again, that sentiment is not illegitimate – the assistance may not have presented a problem for the man. But for some reason he feels the need to minimize his contribution. He could instead bask in the acknowledgment and simply say "I was happy to do it," thanks for the pizza," or simply "you’re welcome."
Accepting acknowledgment is being generous to others. Another reason people deflect acknowledgment is because they were taught to be humble. Basking in acknowledgment may occur to them as a form of pride. I invite you to listen to acknowledgement in a different way: if acknowledgment is people trying to contribute something to our life, consider that you are being stingy when you deflect the acknowledgment of others. Instead of being humble, consider this interpretation: you are erecting a wall and not letting others in when you deflect acknowledgement. People want to contribute in life - it's human nature. So give them the opportunity. Be generous – when others want to contribute, let them – and simply thank them for it.
My request to you is that whenever anyone acknowledges you, practice accepting acknowledgment and observe the difference it makes in your life. For my students in a teams course, I want you to start with your teammates. But as with giving acknowledgment to others, you’ll find that what works in team relationships works in the rest of your life.