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Pay attention
to the eye contact of others in conversations:
·
Notice how much eye contact other people make when they
are speaking
·
Notice how much eye contact other people make when you
are speaking
·
Think of someone with whom your interactions are usually
awkward. If you can’t put your finger on why, attend to eye contact next
time you interact with them to determine if they are breaking the eye
contact ‘rules.’
Apply
this advice in as many conversations as you can. This assignment can be
done face-to-face (FTF), but not, of course, on the telephone.
You
should also continue applying the lessons from the earlier Listening Exercises
whenever possible or appropriate.
‘Eye
Contact’ in the Mass Media
Pay attention
to the eye contact of others in the mass media. Some things to observe:
1. College
basketball conference tournaments are on EPSN, ESPN2, and CBS TV all this
week and this weekend (go Terps!)
·
Especially if you already watch college hoops, tune in
for several of the pre-game discussions between the two announcers.
·
Notice how they switch back and forth between looking at
the camera and looking at each other. Most of them have a conversation
(look at each other most of the time) with the audience listening in.
·
But check out the style of Dick Vitale (ESPN or ESPN2)
– he says his first few words looking at his partner, then turns to the
camera and never looks back. Which approach is more effective?
2. I
assume you have noticed that local and network news people are trained
to look directly into the camera (making ‘eye contact’ with the viewer)
even though they are reading from a script most of the time.
·
Do you know how they do this?
·
If not, ask a teammate or a friend who knows something
about the broadcast news business.
3. Look
at ads in a couple of current magazines.
·
Notice whether or not the models/actors are looking directly
at the camera (attempting to make eye contact with the reader) or looking
away.
·
Everyone – even the men – should check out at least one
women’s fashion-oriented magazine (Glamour, Cosmo, Vogue, Elle, Allure,
Marie Claire, Seventeen, etc.). Flip through them when you’re on line
at the grocery store. Due to the nature of the products advertised (a
lot of cosmetics and hair products) there are lots of close-ups or head
shots of the models. There are shots at a distance too. Notice the eyes.
Do the models look right into the camera or away? What meaning does each
approach convey? What other factors affect your interpretation of the
eye contact?
·
Compare these to the ads in men’s fashion-oriented magazines
(GQ, FHM, Esquire, Details, Stuff, etc.), as well as to ads in
general health magazines (Health, Self, Fitness, Shape, etc.).
·
Are there differences in the amount of eye contact in these
different types of magazines? Are there differences in the meaning of
eye contact in these different types of magazines? Does eye contact from
a male model feel different than eye contact from a female model? Why
or why not?
Conduct
this Informal ‘Experiment’
You have
more control over conversations that you probably realize. Even when someone
is speaking to a large group, you can influence the speaker by the feedback
you provide.
Try this:
·
Pick a class and professor you enjoy and sit in the first
few rows - close enough so the professor can make eye contact with you,
and you with him or her.
·
Then during the lecture, make frequent eye contact with
the professor (avoid nodding or smiling to ensure it is just the eye contact
that you are increasing).
·
Notice how the professor will now make more eye contact
with you once he/she receives the positive feedback of attention to the
lecture.
·
To ‘extinguish’ the behavior, simple stop making eye contact.
The professor will soon reduce eye contact too.
Exercise B – Practice Sharing
Something about Yourself
One
of the surest ways to get related to people is to share information about
yourself. I’m not talking about deep, dark secrets here. I’m talking about
comments in conversation that put us in touch with our common humanity.
As
the final “S” in his “SUCCESS” model, Swets’ (1983) points out that sharing
of oneself is much more than talking about oneself. Swets recommends
sharing of oneself primarily because he believes that dialogue with others
is a much surer path to understanding ourselves than simple introspection.
I agree.
But
there is another very good reason to share your inner thoughts and feeling
with those closest to you. It signifies trust and acceptance and so people
with return the favor and typically extend you a similar level of trust
and acceptance. When the quality of the speaking improves, the quality
of the listening improves.
Authentic Sharing
Authentic
sharing of yourself almost always involves revealing some vulnerability
that you feel. Since we’re all human beings, we all have insecurities,
uncertainties, and fears. We learn to hide most of them from others. Because
most people treat them as weaknesses we don’t discuss them. These concerns
are a part of every human being, yet we pretend that they don’t exist.
Most
people are grateful and relieved when they run into someone who gives
voice to their concerns – because they share many of them. You forge an
immediate connection with someone when you reveal vulnerability. You gain
their empathy, reduce the need to see the interaction as a contest (especially
important with men), and enhance their trust of you. People will listen
to you differently when you share yourself with them.
Here are some examples
of sharing of oneself that I recommend you consider when you would like
to foster a closer relationship with someone:
·
Reveal
how you are feeling about the issue or topic (not your opinion, but whether
you are upset, sad, anger, ecstatic, etc.)
·
Share
hopes, dreams, concerns, or fears
·
When you
feel slighted, dissed, or otherwise hurt tell the other person that you
were hurt by what happened (rather than tell them they did something
wrong)
·
If you’re
nervous in a situation, it’s OK to reveal that you are nervous
·
If you
realize you’ve been holding a grudge or slighting someone for some reason,
consider telling that person what you’ve been doing, the hurt or fear
it was based on, and that you intend to stop it.
There are
a couple caveats to mention here. First, I know that many of you already
share of yourself with some of the people in your life. That’s great!
This exercise is designed to spur you to additional action:
·
Share
more, and share more authentically, with people to whom you are already
close
·
Share
of yourself (as appropriate) to convert casual relationships to genuine
friendships.
Second,
there is always a risk in sharing any type of information with other people,
particularly information that reveals your vulnerabilities. Some people
will misuse your trust. Mostly that will take the form of immature reactions
to serious conversations about our hopes and fears. But there are unscrupulous
people in the world who might use personal information against you. So
you also need to protect yourself. Here are some general guidelines:
·
Don’t
make dramatic, life-altering revelations about yourself simply because
Dr. Finn suggested you share of yourself; there are hundreds of small
things you can share about yourself without coming out of the closet or
confessing to illegal or immoral activities
·
Be more
cautious with strangers in formal situations you have to maintain, such
as at your job
·
Be aware
that a willingness to share is extending trust that may not be returned,
at least initially
·
Take chances
in sharing, but be prepared for unusual reactions, from deflection of
the conversation to joshing or mocking (and keep in mind most of these
reactions come out of nervousness).
Still,
I promise you that you will see some very interesting and positive results
with people in your life if you make it a habit to share authentically
about yourself, about how you are feeling, and about who you are as a
person. People will listen to you differently after that and, most surprisingly,
you will listen to them differently too.
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