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1. Your introduction works reasonably well to draw me into the body of the paper. The thesis is ok, but I feel as though there is a chunk missing. I suggest the following: 'the education of Spanish speakers in a bilingual or dual...in the same school if the second language instruction program isolates ESOL students from the mainstream propulation.' Well, what I wrote is pretty awkward, but do you see what I mean about the missing piece? |
2. You present Hruska's work as commentary. What did she prove through her research? |
3. These two paragraphs contain interesting ideas, but how do they support your thesis? Where is the link to an inferior education? Also, I notice that you are making some points about social isolation that are important, yet missing from your thesis. |
4. I see that you go in a somewhat different direction here. The points from this paragraph work well with your thesis but not with my alternative. |
5. Page numbers are used only with quotations. If this refers to 'great equalizer' then it belongs right after that. Also you need to include the author's names and the year of publication in the citation. |
6. Could you carry this further to take the main findings of the research and develop a plan that makes sense? I don't mean in detail, but what would the main features be? |
Your
writing is very good. You write in a clear, engaging style that is
a pleasure to read. I especially appreciate the ways in which you
incorporate your own perspectives. Your thesis greatly weakens your
paper, however. The thesis could have been strengthened if you fleshed
it out with the major points you make throughout the paper, including social
and academic isolation and the status of the language used for instruction.
You make some very fine arguments, but they remain somewhat disconnected
without a strong thesis to lend structure to the paper. Watch out
for correct citation--both in terms of placement in the paper and content
of the citations.
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