How is lightning like a violist’s fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
So why does it burn longer?
It’s usually still in the case.

Why are violas so large?
It’s an optical illusion. Violas are not large! The viola players’ heads are too small.

What is the range of a viola?
As far as you can kick it.

How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it “solo.”

What’s the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What’s the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.

What’s the definiton of “perfect pitch?”
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can’t find the key and they don't know when to come in.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
So they can park in “handicapped” parking places.

What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.

Why do tellers tremble with fear when an unsavory character comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
They think he’s carrying a viola and might be about to use it.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn’t believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

What’s the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by viola recitals.

How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M&M’s.