Back in the game.
Where have I been? Hmm, thousands of dates with beautiful women? No. Scouring the job market weighing offers from Fortune 100 companies? No. Honing my rowing skills to guarantee a spot on the Olympic team? Kind of. Wondering if anyone is still checking this site? Definately. Lately, I've been doing something so important, I'm not even allowed to talk about it. But I can offer this:
Say goodbye to Xmas (until next year), 2006, James Brown, Gerald Ford, Britney Spears' marriage, Kevin Federline's credit cards, Iran's nuclear program, Garland's blue room, OJ's 'confession' book, gay marriage in VA, trans fats in NY, and smoking in DC. But say hello to a short story.

Reader submissions.
From my boy Scotty Clark:
As I view Jon's site,
I contemplate more and more.
Life needs more updates.
Feel free to join in with your own haiku, I will put them up, whether they are good or bad, praiseful or critical. jbarret4@gmu.edu

PS- Scott, I get to keep the website and email because I am part of the university staff. Of course they'll probably shut me down once they see all the raging profanity, slander against women, racial jokes, unpaid advertising, awefull spellin and grammar horrifying. I must also greet new readers 'Crabby' and 'Blind Spot.' Hello! Bye!

F---ing women.
Check this out: a woman in Florida dumped her boyfriend of many years and then refused to return his phone calls, emails, faxes, or elementary school love letters written with crayon. So the guy chopped off his own finger, mailed it to his former girl, and enclosed a letter that read: 'This is the only way I can touch you now.' Awesome!

So you'll have to ask- why did Jon take a month off from this website? Was he trying to alienate his thousands of fans and adoring readers? (Just to let you know, my invisible counter registers an average of 30 hits per day. Most of it is probably Tripper and his girlfriend, or the sweet Christine and Liz who live in Boston and send me letters via REGULAR mail. I don't even remember how to use conventional mail.) See, I had to take a month off because I was recovering from a devastating self-imposed finger injury. Bye!

And, very clearly,
the answer is no. Breaking news: The world did not end.

Happy birthday to Meghan.
But the big question: as it is 6-6-6, will the world end today?

Love haiku for Katie by Goat.
She is the black pearl
The east wind feels her deep breath
And, we all are stun'd


By me:
Katie, so precious
The birds sing of her great beauty
Oh, perchance to kiss

Memorial day.
Today is Memorial Day- in a parade in DC, a 105 year old World War ONE veteran was featured. I mean, he wasn't doing much, the man is 105. But more importantly, Katie Horner exists! Reporters flock to her house daily to witness the unbridled beauty that is Katherine E. Horner! Shower her with conpliments!

My birthday.
Today's my birthday, but that's not as important as the beautiful, fantastic KATIE HORNER! She's the greatest- if you see her, you should give her money and hugs.

TommoROW
is the greatest day in an ex-rower's life. The alumni race. We have been preparing all night by drinking and eating greasy Hooter's food. I'll have full results after the race. Bye.

"Great googoly moogoly, that ass is juice!"
That line is from a rap song I heard recently, and it surely will go down as one of the great works in literary history, soon to take a seat next to the masterpieces from William Shakespeare, Edgar Allen Poe, Roald Dahl and Dr. Seuss.

This is a chance to tell you more about Shakespeare. He was my boy. His great-great-great-great-great grandson, Tyrone Shakespeare, was on my high school basketball team. Shakespeare left the world a great little Easter Egg in the King James Bible. Shakespeare was believed to be born in the year 1564, and the King James Bible was published in 1610 (it was not wholly new writings, but rather transalated to English at the encouragement of King James.), making Shakespeare 46 years old at the time. If you read Psalm 46, and count 46 words from the beginning, you'll find the word 'Shake.' And counting 46 words back from the end, you'll discover 'spear.' Any coincidence to this? This is also the same time Shakespeare wrote his last play.

I think the penmaster went to King James and offered his services. William Shakespeare: 'Yo Jim. Look, 'The Taming of the Shrew' didn't blow my skirt up. I mean, it's good, but composing plays just doesn't do it for me anymore. I'd like to finish my career by writing something truly memorable: the BIBLE.'
King James: 'Well, I'm just a king. You're William Shakespeare. How can I turn you down?'
Paul Harvey: "And now you have the rest of the story. Good day!"

The alumni race is this Sunday at 9 AM. Alum 8 vs. GMU Novice 8 and Varsity 8. We must win. Don't miss it! Bye-Jon

4/20.
I didn't even know what 4/20 meant until a few years ago, and I'm not a stoner, but somehow I feel compelled to use that as my headline. Today is also National Lookalike Day, created by people who sit around and fill calendars with nonsense holidays, so I've created a little chart comparing some faces:

Olympic Rowing.
Tripper ordered an Olympic Rowing DVD, waited three months to recieve it, and when it finally arrived, we sat down and watched the final of the men's heavyweight double. The French, oddly enough, led through 1500 meters.
Trip: "F-ck the French. If they win, I'm returning this DVD."

Back in the day.
I'll tell you a story of my youth- in 7th grade I was lucky enough to have Mr. Clarke's art class, which was basically "fool around with clay while Mr. Clarke watches TV" class. It was easily the most fun because nobody had to actually do anything and it was so laid back that everyone pretty much just talked the whole time. Often times Mr. Clarke would go the entire hour just watching CNN without saying a word. Then one day during the regular classroom chatter I could hear someone in the back begin to make beatbox noises. Mr. Clarke immediately stood up and shouted, "WHAT THE F-CK?!" and the room was silent for like 30 seconds until he sat back down and resumed watching TV. Nobody ever beatboxed again.

Tonight, at shortly after 1 AM, the time will be 1:02:03 on 4-5-06. Pretty wild, but not quite as cool as 12:34:56 PM on 7-8-90, shortly after my ninth birthday. And yes, I screwed up, turtles are not mammals, but rather reptiles. The 250 year old turtle who recently died was in fact believed to have been the oldest living reptile on the planet. Bye.

Gross.
Jon: "Yeah, you want my pee? You can have my pee. I'll pee for you."
X: "Good. I've been thinking about this for a long time. I didn't know how to ask you."

And in sad news tonight, the oldest living mammal has passed away. A 250-year-old turtle died from a shell infection at a zoo in India. Records show that the turtle was acquired by the zoo on its 100th birthday in the year 1856. This isn't a lie. It really isn't. What was going on in the US in 1756? Well, we didn't even have the Articles of Confederation yet. You know who else was born in 1756? MOZART. No, not Franz Xaver Mozart but his father Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, who was ACTUALLY named 'Joannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart.' Which is still a better name than 'Mike Hunt.' PS, Mason still in Final Four. Bye.

Final Four.
A freakishly fantastic feat from Folarin has Mason fighting in the Final Four. Hm, I was going to write this update using as many f- words as I can, but I'm out. Look, here are the annual salaries of the coaches in the final four:
Florida: $1.9 million
UCLA: $900,000
LSU: $700,000
GMU: $177,000
Now don't get me wrong, I'd take $177,000 without hesitating. But that really illustrates the gap between these huge programs and Mason. From ESPN, 'UCONN has sent 33 players to the NBA, while GMU's Jason Miskiri played in the pros for a nanosecond.' Go Mason. Bye.

Stay fly til you die.
Goat just did all of this in like 5 seconds:
G "Barrett, you see that beercan on the table? I think it's full."
J "I don;t know. I think it is empty."
(Goat hits it with a baseball bat, it falls to the floor.)
G "Haha, turns out we were both wrong. It was half-full. Oh well. Do you think I can smash this bowl?"
J "Yes. You have a bat."
(Goat smashes the bowl with the bat.)
G "Uh-oh! Is anyone else home?"
J "No, but would it matter??"
G "AH! It's 'Stargate Atlantis.' The bowl is your problem now. This is my favorite show. It makes me...want to...rub my crotch with this baseball bat."
Five seconds, I'm not kidding. Don't touch any baseball bats if you come to my house. Bye.

Word of the year:
Apoplectic. It means crazy, or something like that. It's associated with seizures. But you can also use it to describe something extreme or outrageous. And here's something outrageous: families of workers who died on the Titanic were sent bills requiring them to pay for 'lost uniforms.'

On New Years, we went to Morton's Steakhouse, where the prices are apoplectic (See?).
Ryan: "I wonder if they serve exotic meats here."
Goat: "Yeah, like bald eagle."

Goat apoplectically changed clothes several times before leaving the house tonight.
Jon: "I jsut learned something. You're a fashion snob."
Goat: "F--- YOU! F--- you, Barrett. DIE! I want you dead."
Jon: "Yeah, you are. You try to look like you just threw some clothes on, but it is very calculated."
Goat: "Barrett, you're such an a--hole. I hate you. I hate living with you."
Jon: "Don't feel bad. I like living with you."
Goat: "Go to hell. If you tell anyone about this Barrett, ANYONE at all, I'll tear your ass apart." And now TENS of people know.

HOTTEST quote ever, while walking into the Clarendon Ballroom (a place you should never go to): Ryan: "Boy is it cold. My nipples are hard."
Kate: "So are mine." Now isn't that sweet? Happy Birthday Kate! Bye.

#25.
Happy President's Day. Good job, Jim Larranaga: he's led the GMU basketball team to a first-ever appearance in the top 25. http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/rankings

I need cake.
I love cake. Goat and I just ate an entire cake. It didn't even belong to us. We need more. We need it to live. I need cake. Goat needs cake. We love cake. We are cake's bitches. I demand that a female brings cake to my house. Or she can make it over here. I'll buy the ingredients. It will be chocolate with vanilla icing. That's all we need. Please, cake. Bye.

Erg = bitch.
Last week, I won the 30-minute event at the Mid-Atlantic Erg Sprints (8530 meters), then finished 8th in the 2,000 meter event (6:22.1), then almost beat superstar Ryan Ward in the 500 meter race (1:27.7). Then 6 hot bikini models carried me home and fed me cake. Today I did nine 500 meter pieces, with 30 seconds rest between each, and my SLOWEST was 1:38.2.
Tonight is the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympic Games, or as the International Olympic Committee calls them, the 'Olympic Winter Games.' I can tell you with 100% certainty that ever single event in the winter Olympics was created by accident. Long ago, a man slipped on a mountain, fell on a small piece of wood, and hence, the LUGE was born. A couple of gay guys were once trying to fornicate inside a coffin and it, too, slid down a mountain, and thus, the BOBSLED was created. Later, also on a cold snowy mountain, a man was entertaining his guests and learned his shuffle board equipment had been stolen. So he simply began throwing 35-pound rocks of ice, and the world was given CURLING.
I am in love with the Olympics and am very excited to see the games. Or, maybe I'm supposed to capitalize it - the Games, like it is some kind of sacred deity. Whatever. In 2002, Germany edged the US in the medal count, 36-34. Norway, Canada, and Austria rounded out the top 5. The big draw is figure skating. I'm a huge fan of speed skating and downhill skiing. NBC, which televises the Olympics, has decided to call these games 'Torino,' which is how the Italians say 'Turin.' That's inconsistent. The games - er, Games - in 2004 were not held in 'Athena.' Nor do they say 'Paris' like the French during a tennis tournament. And what about NASCAR events held in Georgia? They don't call is 'Joe-juh.' This seems to bother other people more than me. You may know Turin as the home of the Shroud of Turin, which, I suppose, must now be called the Shroud of Torino. Googlizing the 'shroud of turin' yields 473,000 hits, while a googlaction of 'shroud of torino' offers a mere 56,200 results.
The Shroud is an incredible mystery. It is allegedly the cloth that covered Jesus when he died, it shows an outline of a naked, injured man, and if you look close, you can see the outline of a face, hands, and a torso. Evidence of the shroud is in ancient writings- from the year 544, it was said to be stored inside the walls of the city of Edessa (near Jerusalem). Initial carbon dating of the shroud places it in medievel times, but now scientists say that is was in a fire in the 1500s which made the carbon dating inaccurate. Recently, in January 2005, a study showed that the image could not have been painted or drawn, the thin fibers that make up the 'picture'are because of browning of starch and sugar, and it is from a time BEFORE the medievel period.
In April 2005, researched in Italy found the faint image of a second face on another part of the cloth, meaning that at least two bodies were buried together. The shroud is about 14' x 5'. It's in Torino now and is waiting for you to unlock this mystery.

This will be my last update because tonight's snowstorm will certainly kill us all. I love the Olympics and I love rowing and I love the Shroud and I love you. Bye.

Jon: "Goat, I've seen some hot things in my life..."
"but I can't think of anything hotter than a beautiful girl pulling a mini bottle of liquor out of her purse and pouring it into her already alcoholic drink."
Goat: "Yeah, I felt a shift when I saw that too."

On Saturday, we hosted a collection of the most beautiful women Earth has to offer. We enjoyed an enthralling evening of drinking tea, dicussing current events, and poking gentle fun at our local politicians. I spoke of high art while Ryan dazzled us with his latest classic guitar symphony. Dave and Goat kept us on the edge of our seats with stories ranging from Animal rescue to Zygote creation. What a pair, those two. I believe one of the laides may have even fancied Goat!
The men, wearing our Sunday best, were all captivated by the wit and wisdom of the gorgeous women that were entertaining us. Later in the night, I had consumed too much ambrosia, so I excused myself to the water closet. It was at that moment that Goat and Ryan decided to create a new window for our hallway bathroom.

John V and Jon B looking out at the world.





Superior carpentry skills triumph. If you'd like an idea of how big that hole is, my hands are 9 inches long. This beast is well over three feet wide, which is odd, because Ryan only used two feet to kick it out. Well, I am off to Home Depot...bye.

We got the job done last night.
Geoff: "Goat, don't use all the ice, man."
Goat: "Too late."
Geoff: "Icehole."

Jon: "Yo, man you guys should meet Becky Ward (Ryan Ward's hot Hot HOT sister). She is so hot. I think one of us might have even called her a few weeks ago."
Dave: "No, we called her last night. And YOU were the one who called her."
And that should give you an idae of what a great night it was.

An all-time low.
Long ago, my roomate's girlfriend sent us a Christmas card. Featured on the card, along with Jeanette, were her roommates, two beautiful young ladies. I have used this website to try to get them to come over and meet Goat and I. "We want to see pictures," they said. Well, I have searched long and hard, and discovered the two most flattering pictures of us.


This is Goat, in all his glory. He's wearing more clothes than he usually does. Goat is smiling because he just drank 80% of that gallon of milk on the table, and he's about to finish it off. Those pink panties Goat is wearing are the ones he wears when he is bench pressing over 400 lbs., or writing 80-page philosophy theses. The only time ol' smarty wears clothes are when he helps old ladies cross the street, which is every day that ends in 'Y'.


And this is me, sitting on a full size stool. Notice the smile on my face. It's because I'm looking at porn. And notice the liquid on the left side of my sweatshirt. It's drool. It's because I'm looking at porn. The sweet-ass size 16 Nike's you see on me are same ones I wore to win the Marine Corps Marathon, which was held on the same day I presented my flat-tax proposal to the U.S. Congress Budget Committee and the same afternoon I donated a kidney to a dying 11-year old girl I didn't even know.

Now that you've seen us, for goodness sakes, get your asses over here on Saturday night!

Boy, that was pathetic. But I hope it works. I need a shower. Bye.

An archrival Mary Washington rower makes the website!
Liz: "Crazy. A show like 'The War at Home' is on the air now, but a show like 'Futurama' gets cancelled."

Michael Vick: "I have two weapons: my arm, my legs, and my brain."

And I also was just reading about the astronaut pen. When NASA first began the space program, they quickly discovered ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. So they spent the next 10 years and $12 billion to create a super-pen that writes at any angle, on nearly any surface, and in temperatures ranging from -70 to 300 degrees Fahrenheit. The Russians faced the same problem, but they used a pencil. Taxes are due soon! Bye.

First update of the New Year.
And probably my last, for January. This is going to be an angry update. This year is off to an interesting start.

Newslady: "Mr. Allen is sentanced to be executed in three hours did not recieve a pardon from Governor Schwarzenegger today. Mr. Allen is legally blind, 76 years old, and confined to a wheelchair."
Goat: "What the hell does he want to live for?"

Then Goat stood up, put on a fur coat, and turned on Bravo's Top Model. His New Year's resolution: stop hiding it. Tommorow, he is taking ballet lessons and going to watch Brokeback Mountain.

Then I heard about this Vermont judge, Edward Cashman, who sentenced a child molester to 60 days in prison. The molester attacked a girl beginning when she was SIX years old. Now she's ten, so she's been abused for 40% of her life. And there's new evidence that the molester may have arranged for his best friend to come over and molest this little girl. There have been gatherings in Vermont supporting Judge Cashman. That's not a typo- supporting him. He said the ruling was short so that the molester could begin a rehab treatment sooner. Listen, Cashman, you need to resign, and you need to do so by diving headfirst into an empty pool.

Then I heard about these teenagers in Florida who senselessly beat homeless people to death with baseball bats. OK, I don't know how you feel about the death penalty, but these kids need to die tonight. Tonight! No trial, jury, judge (especially Cashman), nothing. Just take them someplace really cold and remote, tie them to a tree, and leave. This is the most infuriating story I've ever read. Seriously. That's all I can write about this because in about 5 seconds I might rip this laptop in half.

But today is Martin Luther King day and he is a man who got shit DONE. I'll tell you what, black, white, whatever, King would be pissed about the two previous stories. He'd probably be pissed about Goat too. King's assassination is a controversial story, one which I will retell now. King was assassinated in Memphis in 1968 while standing on his hotel balcony. To his right was one Jesse Jackson. King had survived several previous attempt on his life, but he could not escape the bullet to his neck that day. Police believed the shooter was James Earl Ray, who was arrested, confessed, and sentanced to 99 years in prison. He died behind bars in 1998. But Ray quickly recanted his confession, saying he was scared of being executed (he hoped new evidence would clear him whiel he waited in prison), and King's family came out and said that they did not believe Ray was the killer, and pointed to a possible US government hitman. I live with three other men of size and we all agree that the US government will take a dangerous man down. But was this the case with King?
James Earl Ray was discharged from the US Army in 1940 and his old buddies said he was an average marksman. The bathroom where Ray was alleged to have fired the fatal shot did not have any of Ray's fingerprints in it at all. Ray's weapon, a Remington Gamemaster 760 .30-'06 caliber rifle only had two of Ray's fingerprints. Two. Try to fire a gun with only two fingers, let alone a rifle. Ballistic tests were unable to prove conclusively that this was even the murder weapon. Ray did have a history of petty crimes, but he was an inept and nonviolent criminal, always caught quickly after an offense. But, Ray was arrested at Heathrow Airport in London trying to use a fake passport two months after King's death, and he was extradited back to the US. It was learned that he had secured several different forms of identification giving him many aliases and he had secured a large amount of cash, and he was able to travel across borders as a known fugitive. How was all this possible for a bumbling bad-shot? Well, Ray said he had recieved help from a man named 'Raoul,' and police discovered documents in Ray's posession with the name 'Raoul' on them. Ray asserted that Raoul was the gunman, and he grew fearful that Raoul might use him as a patsy, so he bailed. He left Memphis for Atlanta, where police found his abandoned car six days after the assassination. Additionally, police said they were searching for a white escape vehicle, but Ray's car (a 1966 Ford Mustang) was yellow.
And how about this little tidbit? Ray was allegedly in a second story room shooting straight across the street at King, who was standing on a second story balcony. This means the bullet would travel on a straight line into King's body. The path, of the bullet, though, angle upward, meaning the shot came from a level below King- the ground. In fact, Reverend Ralph Abernathy, who held King as they waited for paramedics to arrive, believed that the shot came from below. Jesse Jackson, King's lawyer Chauncey Eskridge, and his driver Soloman Jones, all nearby when the shooting happened, said they believed the shot came from the ground, from an area of bushes next to the building Ray was said to be in. The bushes were cleared away the day after the shooting.
So Ray's story is fishy, the family suspects the government, the bullet was fired from the ground (unless somehow the uneducated Ray suddenly became a master of physics and learned to fire bullets around curves, disappearing bushes, oh, and an FBI director in J. Edgar Hoover who detested King. Whatever you believe, it's sad that a man who preached nonviolence was felled by a sniper's bullet. I love a good conspiracy. And I still think Edward Cashman is a punk ass bitch. And those teenagers from Florida need to be felled by a sniper's bullet. AND Tripper's girlfriend, Jeanette, needs to send Goat and I her roommates. Tommorow. Please. It's cold at night.

I might be able to update sometime in the next 12 months. Or tommorow. Have a good year- see you in '07. Or tommorow. Bye.

Disclaimer.
Please be aware that the following update contains references to Christmas, namely, the phrase 'Merry Christmas' will appear. Please note that this holiday greeting does not constitute a contract nor does it enter you into a Christian faith. Accepting the greeting will not condemn you to hell, nor will it guarantee you access to heaven. Be aware also that the greeting is not intended just for those named 'Mary,' it can, in fact be enjoyed by all. If you feel that the following holiday merriment may be offensive to you, please visit some of the other fine sites on the internet.
Now that I've covered myself, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I have learned
that this website will be used in a local school. The school will be discussing websites that end in '.edu' but are NOT reliable sources of information. Trust me, this is the most unreliable website on the internet. Therefore, this update is devoted to the children who will soon be viewing my website in school.

HELLO OAK HILL ELEMENTARY
HELLO JEANNETE
YOUR SCHOOL WAS BUILT ON A CONFEDERATE BURIAL GROUND
ALL HUMAN BABIES ARE BORN WITH TAILS
2 + 2 = 5
THE GREAT PYRAMIDS IN EGYPT WERE BUILT BY HOME DEPOT
HAWAII WAS DISCOVERED BY THE GERMANS IN 1994
MY ROOMMATE, GARLAND, DOES THE DISHES AND HAS A PLEASING ODOR
THE EARTH IS FLAT
RUSSIA DOESN'T REALLY EXIST
SIZE DOESN'T MATTER
YOUR PARENTS BROKE UP BECAUSE OF YOU
THE GOVERNMENT GAVE THE INDIANS SMALLPOX

See that kiddies? Some website are unreliable- that's why you should visit only respected and well-known sites, or better yet, get your information from books. It's all lies above, and yet all are published on the internet. Except for one, kids. Can you guess which one it is?