My Story
Part I: The Nasty Part
You haven’t heard my story, have you?
Shut up, dude, don’t give it away! He
Hasn’t heard it yet. So I had this friend—
No, you’ve never met him.
So he got it in his head to—
No, I knew him in high school. So
Anyway, he decided that he’s—
No, he joined up and got shipped off someplace,
I don’t know, Jesus will you let me tell the story?
This friend of mine,
He had the same idea as you.
Good-looking guy,
In very good shape,
And, vitally, well-endowed.
Somehow he rolled a natural in the cosmic crapshoot
And landed a gig at the
Highest-paying club in town.
It wasn’t even a fag joint.
So it was his first night on the job,
And he was all slathered up and ready to go.
Five minutes before stage time,
He was chatting with one of the other dancers,
And this guy asked my friend,
Off-handed,
If he’s got his cock ring.
Apparently at this place,
They don’t let you dance without one,
And somebody forgot to tell my friend.
That, or he wasn’t listening.
So he panicked.
He did not want to lose this gig.
And the other guy said,
“Don’t worry, you can use mine.”
He held it up.
“Flesh-colored, so you look like a real stud.”
You could see cloudy fingersmudges in the grease.
So this shiny smiling guy in a yellow hardhat
Rinsed the plastic grommet off
In an old porcelain sink
With green rust around the knobs,
God knows what creeping in the pipes,
And held it dripping in front of my friend’s face.
His knee-jerk reaction
Was he’d rather chug Krylon,
But it was less than two minutes to stage time.
He did not want to lose this gig.
So he gulped, beat back the bile
And slid it onto his schvantz.
The guy in the hardhat said,
“Break a leg.”
Hey, if you’re getting up can you put this in the jukebox for me?
I want to hear some Howlin’ Wolf.
So he went out there and knocked them dead.
He did “The Puppeteer,”
Which the ladies love,
Where you hold your hand out in front of you
Palm down, like you’ve got marionette strings
And jerk your fingers while you make it jump up and down.
Got the picture?
It’s a shame the mainstream press doesn’t review these performances.